who even am i?

on learning to unmask after being diagnosed as autistic

i have been masking for twenty one years.

and honestly, i feel like i’m not even aware of how much, and when, i mask.

so where do i start?

where is the mask and how do i pull it off?

i don’t know who i am without it.

i don’t know who i am.

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who am i?

this is what i know for certain:

    •    my name is Cassie

    •    i’m non-binary, bisexual, and autistic

    •    i’m Egyptian and Italian

    •    i get anxious

    •    i love food!! korean bbq, sushi, garlic prawns, fresh sandwiches, etc etc etc

    •    i love tv and film: Bluey, Dead Boy Detectives, Zodiac, Wicked Little Letters, Real Steel, Carol, the list goes on…

    •    i love music! (but not when it’s too loud, and not when i’m trying to focus, and sometimes, not when it’s music i dislike or am unfamiliar with)

    •    i love literature & i absolutely love reading

    •    i like to write and i want to be a writer (but i worry that my writing may not be good enough and that nobody will want to publish my stories)

    •    i put 110% into all of my assignments, not just because i enjoy studying and learning new things, which i do (immensely), but also because i crave academic validation

    •    i’m a leo, an infj, & according to this one random Buzzfeed quiz, i’m:

the true me (???) [i hate gardening, but anyway…]

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but, you know what?

it is okay that i don’t know exactly who i am yet. it will take time to figure out, and i have plenty of time (even though i often feel like i don’t!).

it is okay if, in the process of unmasking, people decide that i am too distant, or don’t smile enough, or make enough eye contact, or engage in enough stimulating small-talk. those are not the people who i want to surround myself with anyway. i want to surround myself with people who love me for exactly who i am, who cherish and appreciate me, who want to be around me. i deserve that!

it is okay.

it. is. okay.

it is a process and i must take the time to listen to myself, care for myself, and support myself.

it is not a race.

and to my fellow neurodivergent community,

be kind to yourselves. you are amazing exactly as you are and you deserve to exist authentically.

lots of love,

cass 💌